Boys Boys Boys

So senior year was a beautiful hot mess of a shit show (sorry for the language). To top it all off at the end of second semester I was getting really unhappy. You know the typical "I don't want to leave college and my friends" unhappy but there was a little something else on top of that. As many of you know if you've kind of followed R and I had been dating since the middle of high school. When I finished senior year we would have hit the 6 year mark together! Crazy long time. 

Up until then R was my world. I loved him with my whole heart and thought that he was "the one". One and done. I thought he would be the one I would traverse the world with, marry, and have a family with. Everything was going well but somewhere in February I felt a shift on my end.

He was still the amazing gentleman I still know and he treated me like a queen at every turn. At that point in the year the sorority, my friends, and real life started taking a major front seat. So much so our relationship fell to the way side. He noticed and I'm not sure if he was doing this intentionally or not but I started to feel smothered. There were constant questions of where I was, who I was hanging out with, and what I was doing. He wasn't a fan of drinking and I had found social drinking a fun thing to partake in.

To me I started to feel like he was very controlling and didn't really appreciate what I was doing or wanted to do. He held me on this pedestal of ideals he wanted me to be and thought I was. In reality I was realizing who I really was and wanted to be. I was growing up and changing which didn't seem to settle well with him.

We had the most awful breakup one could imagine.

It sucked.

I called him one night and told him I wanted to end us. Get out of the relationship. I needed to find out who I was. I had not been single for 6 years and he was my first serious boyfriend. He was not happy about this, I mean who would be. This was about mid-April.

He didn't take it well and kept hanging around. I tried my best to be civil and be the good friend to him that I knew he needed. I really didn't want to loose him as a friend but looking back at that time it was necessary to completely break ties and come back at a later time to build that friendship back up. He hung around, showed up unannounced, and just wouldn't let go. He kept bringing up the same conversations and getting really upset. 

It wasn't until almost mid-May or the end of May that he finally got the message and gave up. I was livid with him. The fact that he was keeping tabs on me and who I was seeing and what I was doing still was frustrating. I was so mad at him. I was hurting so bad but just couldn't sweep this under the rug. I kept my ground and held fast to the decision I made.

Through the summer he would pop up occasionally and it felt like we were moving toward friendship and it made me so happy. Then out of nowhere he decided to start avoiding me, well at least that's what it seems like right now. I understand. He has a new girlfriend and probably does not want to mix past with present.

I'm sad. I miss my best friend. He seems so happy though and that makes things so much better. I know it will take a long time but I hope we can be the best friends again that we once were. 

It's hard to let go. I never really understood it before but now it makes complete sense.

Since then I have popped in and out of the dating world. I've had a lot of flops. Some promising starts that just fell through. Dating sucks. It's fun at the beginning but I'm over it. I have completely pushed dating out of my world and have been focusing on me. I figure if it's meant to be it will happen and I will know. For now my world revolves around my friends and what makes me happy.

It's weird not having someone there to share everything with and go out with but it's kind of refreshing.

Love is a weird thing. I love love but man it fucking sucks. To everyone out there, don't force love or a relationship. Let it do it's thing and enjoy the ride. It may not always end nicely but we have to learn somehow and what better way then to make some mistakes and move on.

If for some reason R finds this heres a little note to you.

I know you are happy now and I couldn't be more thrilled for you. I hope things continue to work out for you and that you are beyond successful. Hopefully one day you will talk to me again and we can grab some brunch. You'll always be in my thoughts and there will always be good wishes for you from me. Keep pushing, have fun, be happy, and don't let anyone tell you you can't do something.

Until next time darlings

XOXO

ZMH

Senior Year

So let's see.

Last time I left you I had just finished my junior year and was going into the summer, that sounds about right. 

Well senior year of college was a whirl wind, a beautiful hot mess of a whirl wind. I started the year off in an amazing apartment downtown Holland behind my favorite breakfast food place so right away I was #winning. I also got to live with the most amazing and strong four girls I have ever met.

Z, E, and O were amazing roommates and it breaks my heart that I didn't get to live with these girls longer. Z was my sorority big and my best friend along with E. You know when you get that feeling that you have met the people who will be in your life until you die? Yea these girls are it. O was quiet and not around much, hard working engineering student, but she was such a gem and I could not have asked for a better fourth roommate.

First semester senior year went smoothly. I finished out all of my last remaining credits so technically I could have graduated in the winter but I had absolutely nothing set up so I stuck around for the whole year. Plus I wanted to walk with my friends and give my dad that moment to be proud and brag about his little princess.

Second semester was crazy. Since I had finished all of my required credits I took the least amount of classes I could and made them all fluff classes. I had a cushy schedule with classes on Tuesday and Thursday that included ballet, pointe, art, and a feminism class. This lead for ample time to plan out Greek Orientation (Z and I were the pledge masters/hell captains/Greek orientation leaders) and drink...a lot.

I loved every moment of Greek Orientation and fell in love with every one of our new members. I took on a second sorority baby and she is such a ball of sunshine. I got to know so many more people in the Greek system at Hope and it filled my heart with joy. 

From there Z, E, and I's days left for a lot of room to create chaos. We partied and drank like crazy most every night. Looking back at that last semester I can't believe my liver never gave out. Thank you body for still functioning and loving me despite the abuse I put you through.

I had fun, let go, and started to realize some of the things in my life that were happening I did not want. I realized I didn't know who I was and got scared. I needed to change that and figure life out because at that point I had no fucking clue. From here I broke up with R just before celebrating 6 years together, great timing on my part I know. From there I realized how wonderful it feels to be single, I had not experienced that in 6 years!! It was very uplifting and life changing. After that I hit the ground running. I went out with boy after boy and learned that I have a weird talent for attracting boys, a lot good and a few not so great but we have to learn from our mistakes before we know what path is the correct one to choose, right?

After a crazy senior year and not knowing where time went I graduated. I left Hope for good. I left my friends. My squad was not in one apartment any more.

I was okay but also not. I didn't realize but at that time in my life I was not okay at all. That's when things started to go down hill slowly.

After a month of freedom at home I packed up and went to camp for the summer.

This is where I'll leave you. We will delve more into summer camp in the next post. What a crazy few months there let me tell you.

Until next time darlings

XOXO

ZMH

Z, O, E, and I at Fall Crawl

Roommate bonding while drinking all day, quality stuff

Z and I in our Hell Captain uniforms

M, myself, and EC (my new sorority little)

Z, E, and I at our sorority formal

R and I at graduation

The squad after we walked across the stage. Don't let those smiles fool you, we were all a hot mess that day. To say there wasn't a decent amount of sad drinking I would be lying.

Oh Hey, I Didn't See You There

My goodness has it been a long time. Sorry about just dropping off the face of the earth but that seems to be the theme with this blog. I try really hard for a short time to post regularly and then something comes up and everything stops. 

I've never aspired to be a super successful blogger but I have always found writing and publishing very therapeutic. Through my writings I try to be as transparent as possible and hope that maybe my posts help someone through something they are going through.

Geeze I don't even know where to begin from the last time I left off. A lot has happened in my life and a lot has changed. So let's see, I went to camp again and it was one of my favorite summers back. I had such a wonderful staff in my unit and my co-unit directors slayed this summer. 

I left camp with a boyfriend (GASP! What wait what happened to R? I'll get to that). Camp boyfriend was a long time friend that we decided to date, long story short not my smartest move but we are still friends because we were that close. Anyway we moved together down to Chicago to start adult-ing and it went well for a while and then things went down hill quickly. 

I had a big girl job but was starting to feel lonely, stressed, and get sick. I was not healthy physically or mentally so I made the hard decision to move back to Michigan with my dad. I'm back in the mitten state for a few months while I collect myself and get a better game plan to move down to Chicago. 

Dear lord, a lot has happened. The next couple posts I'll delve more into what happened, how I'm doing, and what my plans are. For now this blog will be a way for me to sort through my feelings and thoughts. It may not be very exciting but maybe this will help someone out there? Really this is more for me and if people want to read and support along the way that would make me so happy. There will be photos when I have them and maybe some other goodies.

So this post has a lot of loose ends hanging and I apologize but you will just have to wait for more posts to come to get the blanks filled in on how my life has progressed. 

Until next time darlings

XOXO

ZMH

Not Everything is Peaches and Cream

Life can be difficult, especially in college. There is so much going with extra-curriculars, friends, school work, and a job. The thing that really takes the cake on all of those difficult things are relationships.

Having a boyfriend is wonderful. They can be supportive, an ear to listen, or just an extra someone to hang out with. Most people by the time they get to college have had a boyfriend or two briefly or for a really long time. Sometimes you get to college not having dated anyone and use this time to change that. Now relationships can be wonderful and really nice but they also come with some work. You know a flower never grows unless you put a little work into taking care of it. 

R and I have been together for about four and a half years. A really long time to be in a relationship for people so young (we get that a lot). Now not saying everything was flawless and happy but it was a pretty easy relationship for us. Recently though I had been starting to have some doubts about our relationship (I think I have mentioned this before). I Called R up on Friday and we talked and cried and got frustrated at each other. What we have come to right now is that we are on a break.

I still wanted him to come to my sororities date night so we decided to take these next two weeks to think about us. We decided we would text each other once in a while letting each other know what we appreciate from the other in the past. So far it's nice to see what we think of each other, the good things. The thing that is worrying me is that this may not work.

I see him as "the one". I can see myself having a very happy future with him. We both see our relationship has great potential and promise but maybe right now to help save that is to take more then a break. At the moment I am trying and thinking about us. It's hard because I'm confused on how to express how I'm feeling. My biggest fear though is that if we do end up ending our relationship that he will get so mad at me that if there is a chance for us to get back together he won't take it.

So besides having to stress out and think about school, friends, work, and my social life, I also have to keep this in mind. For now I have great friends who are supporting me and being awesome sounding boards. I will keep you all updated on how everything pans out.

Have you ever had a tough relationship like this? Do you have any advice that might help? 

XOXO

ZMH

Not really the Windy City

Okay so fall break was at the beginning of October. Hope College this is our first break of the fall semester. No we do not get Labor Day off because rumor has it the college was having problems where they would loose a ton of freshmen after that break. Hope starts classes maybe not even a week before Labor Day so freshmen were not getting much of an experience of college and just becoming very homesick. This break wasn't working so they changed it so that we would still have class on Labor Day.

Well when fall break comes everyone gets super duper excited. It's just a 5 day weekend but it's nice to have a little break before we have to make the next stretch to Thanksgiving break. 

For fall break I generally stay in Holland and hang out at home and try to get ahead in my classes. Not this fall break. It had been about a good 3 months since I last saw my boyfriend R in person, that was before school started!!! So I bought train tickets and called him up and said I was coming down to Chicago for several days to see him. Needless to say he was enthralled and could not wait.

Now generally when I come down we do the same things. We go eat at the same resturants, see the same things, and shop in the same places. Now the places we normally go are fantastic but it gets boring after a while. So this time I told him we were going to throw in some new adventures this time, once he heard that he went right into researching things and planning surprises. 

We of course went to a couple of our favorite food spots, made a visit to the Art Institute of Chicago, and popped our heads into our favorite shops. But the news things we added were AWESOME! My dad suggested we go to the Modern Contemporary Art Museum to see the David Bowie is Now exhibit. Let me tell you it was freaking awesome! If you have a chance go to it, it is totally worth the money and time. Of course you couldn't take pictures in the exhibit because of copyright issues but man it was killer. Besides that we wondered into a few new eateries that exceeded our expectations.

 I was also able to drop into a ballet class at the Joffery Ballet on the Sunday that I was in Chicago. I have been wanting to do this for a very long time and I finally had the time and chance to do so. The class was a beginning ballet class but that was fine with me, I was able to really focus and work on my technique. I woke up the next morning so sore it took me 15 minutes to get out of bed, that is a sign I worked super hard!

The one big surprise R had for me that weekend was that he took me to the Lincoln Park Zoo. It was so incredible. It was both our first time there and now I know it won't be our last. It is the last and largest free zoo in the country and it did not disappoint. The animals were lively and looked happy as clams (there were no clams). We spent the WHOLE day there and I wish we had had more time. After that we wondered over to the Botanical Garden which was right next to the Zoo. So many pretty plants and such a pretty building. 

Well that's enough of me jabbering. I'll leave you with some photos I took from that weekend and maybe I'll share more stories later on! 

I was maybe just a *little* excited

R and I have always seen this resturaunt from the street, it's on the second floor of a building, and we finally found the enterence and tried it out. So good! 

The Grand Lux Cafe

Saul Steinburg

It returned after being gone for 2 years

One of my favorite paintings

The sketch/rough draft for it

Monet's bedroom

Oh hey there hay stacks

Cubism?

Hey Picasso, always good to see you

Uh, I think that is a pipe

I understand it

A picture of my in front of a Pollock for my dad

A little panoramic photo from the bridge that connects the Art Institute to Millennium Park

First time at the Rainforest Cafe, the gorilla scared me a bit

Hi flamingos! 

Tiny tiger walking into my ear

HUMP DAY!

Is it white with black stripes or black with white stripes?

Some long necked horses

Dancing in gardens is always fun

I'm trying to touch the light, so close!

Hark! We've stopped a wild Z-girl

Sprinkles cupcakes: mocha, cinnamon sugar (with frosting, duh), toasted marshmallow, and apple cinder

XOXO

ZMH

I'm Sorry, Please Don't Hate Me

Hello to anyone who follows my posts!

I am so sorry for not updating you all in forever. My last couple weeks, yes it has been some time, have been super chaotic and busy. Things just keep popping up for me and then once I'm done I just crash and go to bed. 

School has been crazy with papers, projects, and trying to stay on time with everything. I feel like time just slips through my fingers now a days. I have also been having a lot of events going on with Alpha Gamma Phi. We have had several service events, meetings, parties, and let's not forget about homecoming weekend. Besides those two things I have been working a lot! I love to go to work because I love to make money so that I can go and enjoy doing things with my friends and sisters.

But any-who let me give you a quick run down of what has been happening in my life lately. 

Hope College had fall break at the beginning of the month and I went to stay the long weekend at my boyfriends in Chicago. We had so much fun that weekend doing new things and visiting old places.  We ate SO much food, saw a ton of great art, visited an amazing zoo, and I even got to take a class at the Joffery Ballet.

After that I came back to school and went right back to hitting the ground running. I had many meetings for random things and trying to figure out housing for next year, yikes so far away but so close! This weekend was homecoming at Hope and so that came with many events that I had to participate in for the sorority. It was all fun and games but boy am I glad it's over... I'm exhausted.

Oh and let's not forget I turned 21 this past Monday! I did not do anything that I normally don't do on a Monday. Except my dad did take me out to eat that evening to one of our favorite delis in Grand Rapids. That day though I did feel older. It's weird being 21, it just feels different.

So there's a quick recap of what I have been doing. I will try to update you all on a more regular basis. I would love to update you all everyday but I'm just starting out with this whole blogging thing and trying to figure out what to do. If you have any simple helpful tips feel free to let me know! I will try to squeeze in some time in the next couple of days to queue up a few posts to give you more details about what you've missed. I feel like that is a solid first step to getting this blogging thing down.

Well that is it and I will just leave you with that. Sorry this post wasn't more exciting.

Thanks for all of your patience and support.

Love you.

XOXO

ZMH

Regrets

I feel like most people have a few regrets throughout their life. You know their usually simple ones like not snapping up that cute pice of clothing when you had the chance or having that second piece of cake before exercising, both of these situations I have been in.

Now those aren't really the regrets I'm having. I go through some little mood swings at times of stress or when I just feel like life isn't going right. I have come to the conclusion these bad and sad moods come about when the weather isn't great out despite me loving that gloomy, rainy weather. 

Yesterday I took a day trip with my dad to Chicago. We both wanted to go before I had to go to camp for work and we also were due for a daddy/daughter date. It was such a great day but sadly it was pretty rainy all day and a little chilly. Now we both knew it was going to rain so we brought umbrellas but it was just much worse then we expected. Overall like I said before a great day but then today was still pretty gloomy here in Holland and having both days back to back kind of set me off.

When I get in my depressed/sad mood it generally happens at night before I go to bed and I start thinking about things which leads me to my eyes filled with tears and lots of snot.

Now tonight I had on my mind of not wanting to go to camp because that meant I had to go back to college. I don't want to go back because my grades aren't doing great and I am super stressed. I also am not in love with where I am going but that's another problem that is linked to not being in love with Holland, I just don't belong here. That lead to me starting to be unhappy with my relationship. Now that's a huge, big problem that has come up recently but I will post another time about that because it is just a huge thing.

Overall I cried myself dry, bundled up, went downstairs, and turned on the TV. I have relaxed a bit and am feeling much better. I though a quick post about these little problems would help and also make me realize I am very blessed to be where I am in life and must take everything in stride.

XOXO
ZMH

Zoo Day

So last week my boyfriend R took me to the zoo! We went all the way over to Binder Park Zoo because it is quiet amazing. I was super excited because I hadn't been to the zoo in forever and this was our last big date/adventure before he left for camp for the summer.

It was such a long day but it was wonderful. We left Holland at about 11am and arrived at the zoo by 12:30pm. When we got there we had arrived at the same time as several elementary school field trip classes. Being around all the excited little kids made me even more excited to be at the zoo and also made me want to pick up and child and steal it, they were so cute! Once R and I got in the zoo we wondered around a few of the small animal exhibits and petting zoo before heading off to the Africa portion of the zoo.

We had a nice little train ride around the zoo, a lovely lunch, fed some giraffes, and saved a couple turtles.

After seeing everything it was about 3:30pm-ish and then stopped at a Tim Horton's for a little caffeine boost. On our way home we had to stop and save a turtle on the side of the road. After helping out the little guy we continued on our way home.

Overall it was such a great day! Any day can be made great if you go to the zoo!

A beautiful bald eagle

A couple of kookaburras

Don't mind the free roaming peacocks

Hello Mr.Owl, this was a beautiful owl who had been rescued because he lost an eye and was struggling out in the world.

Prairie dog

Look up in the tree a red panda!

A male white peacock

Llamas!

The cheetahs were so beautiful and were purring away. They reminded me of my kitties at home.

A very old tortoise

A couple of monkeys in a tree

I got to feed and pet this beautiful giraffe

One of my favorite animals, zebras

A couple of wallabies

And to finish off the trip a few cockatoos

XOXO
ZMH

Four Beautiful Years

Happy belated Memorial Day everyone! I hope everyone had a great long weekend and also a safe one!

This past Memorial Day weekend for me was relaxing and a lot of fun. On Saturday it was mine and R's 4 year anniversary. We have been dating since the end of sophomore year in high school. Needless to say I wouldn't trade these last 4 years with him for anything else. We have had our ups and downs like any other couple but it has all been worth it. We didn't do much which I was completely fine with. He got me a few presents that I can use while I'm camp this summer (only a couple more weeks until I leave!). My present for him is currently being made and is not finished yet but I'll be sure to keep you posted once that is all finished. After the present giving we went out and took a little walk out at the Saugatuck Dunes State park with Lilly the dog.

R is a guy who LOVES to walk. He will just walk and walk and walk for hours. For me it is the opposite. I do enjoy a nice walk in a city or downtown but going on a super ling, 3 mile, hike is not usually my idea of fun. I toughed it out though and had a lot of fun exploring the dunes. Once we finished our little hike we went over to his parents house and celebrated his mother's birthday. 

My dad came and our friend D stopped by for a little while which was great. I helped out R's dad in the kitchen and we had delicious homemade stir fry and a huge campfire. We ended the night with a delicious cake made by R's little sister and with some ice cream sandwiches. After all of that I went back home and went straight to bed. All of the fresh air and hiking really tuckered me out!

The rest of the weekend was spent with R and my dad and many more campfires. 

Memorial day was a nice relaxing day for me as well. I got up super early and went to the parade and boy am I glad I got up early. It was so much fun and I loved seeing all of the local Hollanders there supporting our veterans and deployed. 

Other then that my weekend was perfect! I am so glad to have such a loving and supporting boyfriend who accepts me for me. I will be sure to cherish all these last few weekends with him, his family, and my dad before we both head off to different camps for the summer.

How was every one's Memorial day weekend?

XOXO
ZMH