Monday, November 14, 2016

Boys Boys Boys

So senior year was a beautiful hot mess of a shit show (sorry for the language). To top it all off at the end of second semester I was getting really unhappy. You know the typical "I don't want to leave college and my friends" unhappy but there was a little something else on top of that. As many of you know if you've kind of followed R and I had been dating since the middle of high school. When I finished senior year we would have hit the 6 year mark together! Crazy long time. 

Up until then R was my world. I loved him with my whole heart and thought that he was "the one". One and done. I thought he would be the one I would traverse the world with, marry, and have a family with. Everything was going well but somewhere in February I felt a shift on my end.

He was still the amazing gentleman I still know and he treated me like a queen at every turn. At that point in the year the sorority, my friends, and real life started taking a major front seat. So much so our relationship fell to the way side. He noticed and I'm not sure if he was doing this intentionally or not but I started to feel smothered. There were constant questions of where I was, who I was hanging out with, and what I was doing. He wasn't a fan of drinking and I had found social drinking a fun thing to partake in.

To me I started to feel like he was very controlling and didn't really appreciate what I was doing or wanted to do. He held me on this pedestal of ideals he wanted me to be and thought I was. In reality I was realizing who I really was and wanted to be. I was growing up and changing which didn't seem to settle well with him.

We had the most awful breakup one could imagine.

It sucked.

I called him one night and told him I wanted to end us. Get out of the relationship. I needed to find out who I was. I had not been single for 6 years and he was my first serious boyfriend. He was not happy about this, I mean who would be. This was about mid-April.

He didn't take it well and kept hanging around. I tried my best to be civil and be the good friend to him that I knew he needed. I really didn't want to loose him as a friend but looking back at that time it was necessary to completely break ties and come back at a later time to build that friendship back up. He hung around, showed up unannounced, and just wouldn't let go. He kept bringing up the same conversations and getting really upset. 

It wasn't until almost mid-May or the end of May that he finally got the message and gave up. I was livid with him. The fact that he was keeping tabs on me and who I was seeing and what I was doing still was frustrating. I was so mad at him. I was hurting so bad but just couldn't sweep this under the rug. I kept my ground and held fast to the decision I made.

Through the summer he would pop up occasionally and it felt like we were moving toward friendship and it made me so happy. Then out of nowhere he decided to start avoiding me, well at least that's what it seems like right now. I understand. He has a new girlfriend and probably does not want to mix past with present.

I'm sad. I miss my best friend. He seems so happy though and that makes things so much better. I know it will take a long time but I hope we can be the best friends again that we once were. 

It's hard to let go. I never really understood it before but now it makes complete sense.

Since then I have popped in and out of the dating world. I've had a lot of flops. Some promising starts that just fell through. Dating sucks. It's fun at the beginning but I'm over it. I have completely pushed dating out of my world and have been focusing on me. I figure if it's meant to be it will happen and I will know. For now my world revolves around my friends and what makes me happy.

It's weird not having someone there to share everything with and go out with but it's kind of refreshing.

Love is a weird thing. I love love but man it fucking sucks. To everyone out there, don't force love or a relationship. Let it do it's thing and enjoy the ride. It may not always end nicely but we have to learn somehow and what better way then to make some mistakes and move on.

If for some reason R finds this heres a little note to you.
I know you are happy now and I couldn't be more thrilled for you. I hope things continue to work out for you and that you are beyond successful. Hopefully one day you will talk to me again and we can grab some brunch. You'll always be in my thoughts and there will always be good wishes for you from me. Keep pushing, have fun, be happy, and don't let anyone tell you you can't do something.

Until next time darlings

Friday, November 11, 2016

Senior Year

So let's see.

Last time I left you I had just finished my junior year and was going into the summer, that sounds about right. 

Well senior year of college was a whirl wind, a beautiful hot mess of a whirl wind. I started the year off in an amazing apartment downtown Holland behind my favorite breakfast food place so right away I was #winning. I also got to live with the most amazing and strong four girls I have ever met.

Z, E, and O were amazing roommates and it breaks my heart that I didn't get to live with these girls longer. Z was my sorority big and my best friend along with E. You know when you get that feeling that you have met the people who will be in your life until you die? Yea these girls are it. O was quiet and not around much, hard working engineering student, but she was such a gem and I could not have asked for a better fourth roommate.

First semester senior year went smoothly. I finished out all of my last remaining credits so technically I could have graduated in the winter but I had absolutely nothing set up so I stuck around for the whole year. Plus I wanted to walk with my friends and give my dad that moment to be proud and brag about his little princess.

Second semester was crazy. Since I had finished all of my required credits I took the least amount of classes I could and made them all fluff classes. I had a cushy schedule with classes on Tuesday and Thursday that included ballet, pointe, art, and a feminism class. This lead for ample time to plan out Greek Orientation (Z and I were the pledge masters/hell captains/Greek orientation leaders) and drink...a lot.

I loved every moment of Greek Orientation and fell in love with every one of our new members. I took on a second sorority baby and she is such a ball of sunshine. I got to know so many more people in the Greek system at Hope and it filled my heart with joy. 

From there Z, E, and I's days left for a lot of room to create chaos. We partied and drank like crazy most every night. Looking back at that last semester I can't believe my liver never gave out. Thank you body for still functioning and loving me despite the abuse I put you through.

I had fun, let go, and started to realize some of the things in my life that were happening I did not want. I realized I didn't know who I was and got scared. I needed to change that and figure life out because at that point I had no fucking clue. From here I broke up with R just before celebrating 6 years together, great timing on my part I know. From there I realized how wonderful it feels to be single, I had not experienced that in 6 years!! It was very uplifting and life changing. After that I hit the ground running. I went out with boy after boy and learned that I have a weird talent for attracting boys, a lot good and a few not so great but we have to learn from our mistakes before we know what path is the correct one to choose, right?

After a crazy senior year and not knowing where time went I graduated. I left Hope for good. I left my friends. My squad was not in one apartment any more.

I was okay but also not. I didn't realize but at that time in my life I was not okay at all. That's when things started to go down hill slowly.

After a month of freedom at home I packed up and went to camp for the summer.

This is where I'll leave you. We will delve more into summer camp in the next post. What a crazy few months there let me tell you.

Until next time darlings

Z, O, E, and I at Fall Crawl
Roommate bonding while drinking all day, quality stuff

Z and I in our Hell Captain uniforms

M, myself, and EC (my new sorority little)

Z, E, and I at our sorority formal

R and I at graduation

The squad after we walked across the stage. Don't let those smiles fool you, we were all a hot mess that day. To say there wasn't a decent amount of sad drinking I would be lying.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Oh Hey, I Didn't See You There

My goodness has it been a long time. Sorry about just dropping off the face of the earth but that seems to be the theme with this blog. I try really hard for a short time to post regularly and then something comes up and everything stops. 
I've never aspired to be a super successful blogger but I have always found writing and publishing very therapeutic. Through my writings I try to be as transparent as possible and hope that maybe my posts help someone through something they are going through.

Geeze I don't even know where to begin from the last time I left off. A lot has happened in my life and a lot has changed. So let's see, I went to camp again and it was one of my favorite summers back. I had such a wonderful staff in my unit and my co-unit directors slayed this summer. 

I left camp with a boyfriend (GASP! What wait what happened to R? I'll get to that). Camp boyfriend was a long time friend that we decided to date, long story short not my smartest move but we are still friends because we were that close. Anyway we moved together down to Chicago to start adult-ing and it went well for a while and then things went down hill quickly. 

I had a big girl job but was starting to feel lonely, stressed, and get sick. I was not healthy physically or mentally so I made the hard decision to move back to Michigan with my dad. I'm back in the mitten state for a few months while I collect myself and get a better game plan to move down to Chicago. 

Dear lord, a lot has happened. The next couple posts I'll delve more into what happened, how I'm doing, and what my plans are. For now this blog will be a way for me to sort through my feelings and thoughts. It may not be very exciting but maybe this will help someone out there? Really this is more for me and if people want to read and support along the way that would make me so happy. There will be photos when I have them and maybe some other goodies.

So this post has a lot of loose ends hanging and I apologize but you will just have to wait for more posts to come to get the blanks filled in on how my life has progressed. 

Until next time darlings