Boys Boys Boys

So senior year was a beautiful hot mess of a shit show (sorry for the language). To top it all off at the end of second semester I was getting really unhappy. You know the typical "I don't want to leave college and my friends" unhappy but there was a little something else on top of that. As many of you know if you've kind of followed R and I had been dating since the middle of high school. When I finished senior year we would have hit the 6 year mark together! Crazy long time. 

Up until then R was my world. I loved him with my whole heart and thought that he was "the one". One and done. I thought he would be the one I would traverse the world with, marry, and have a family with. Everything was going well but somewhere in February I felt a shift on my end.

He was still the amazing gentleman I still know and he treated me like a queen at every turn. At that point in the year the sorority, my friends, and real life started taking a major front seat. So much so our relationship fell to the way side. He noticed and I'm not sure if he was doing this intentionally or not but I started to feel smothered. There were constant questions of where I was, who I was hanging out with, and what I was doing. He wasn't a fan of drinking and I had found social drinking a fun thing to partake in.

To me I started to feel like he was very controlling and didn't really appreciate what I was doing or wanted to do. He held me on this pedestal of ideals he wanted me to be and thought I was. In reality I was realizing who I really was and wanted to be. I was growing up and changing which didn't seem to settle well with him.

We had the most awful breakup one could imagine.

It sucked.

I called him one night and told him I wanted to end us. Get out of the relationship. I needed to find out who I was. I had not been single for 6 years and he was my first serious boyfriend. He was not happy about this, I mean who would be. This was about mid-April.

He didn't take it well and kept hanging around. I tried my best to be civil and be the good friend to him that I knew he needed. I really didn't want to loose him as a friend but looking back at that time it was necessary to completely break ties and come back at a later time to build that friendship back up. He hung around, showed up unannounced, and just wouldn't let go. He kept bringing up the same conversations and getting really upset. 

It wasn't until almost mid-May or the end of May that he finally got the message and gave up. I was livid with him. The fact that he was keeping tabs on me and who I was seeing and what I was doing still was frustrating. I was so mad at him. I was hurting so bad but just couldn't sweep this under the rug. I kept my ground and held fast to the decision I made.

Through the summer he would pop up occasionally and it felt like we were moving toward friendship and it made me so happy. Then out of nowhere he decided to start avoiding me, well at least that's what it seems like right now. I understand. He has a new girlfriend and probably does not want to mix past with present.

I'm sad. I miss my best friend. He seems so happy though and that makes things so much better. I know it will take a long time but I hope we can be the best friends again that we once were. 

It's hard to let go. I never really understood it before but now it makes complete sense.

Since then I have popped in and out of the dating world. I've had a lot of flops. Some promising starts that just fell through. Dating sucks. It's fun at the beginning but I'm over it. I have completely pushed dating out of my world and have been focusing on me. I figure if it's meant to be it will happen and I will know. For now my world revolves around my friends and what makes me happy.

It's weird not having someone there to share everything with and go out with but it's kind of refreshing.

Love is a weird thing. I love love but man it fucking sucks. To everyone out there, don't force love or a relationship. Let it do it's thing and enjoy the ride. It may not always end nicely but we have to learn somehow and what better way then to make some mistakes and move on.

If for some reason R finds this heres a little note to you.

I know you are happy now and I couldn't be more thrilled for you. I hope things continue to work out for you and that you are beyond successful. Hopefully one day you will talk to me again and we can grab some brunch. You'll always be in my thoughts and there will always be good wishes for you from me. Keep pushing, have fun, be happy, and don't let anyone tell you you can't do something.

Until next time darlings

XOXO

ZMH

Oh Hey, I Didn't See You There

My goodness has it been a long time. Sorry about just dropping off the face of the earth but that seems to be the theme with this blog. I try really hard for a short time to post regularly and then something comes up and everything stops. 

I've never aspired to be a super successful blogger but I have always found writing and publishing very therapeutic. Through my writings I try to be as transparent as possible and hope that maybe my posts help someone through something they are going through.

Geeze I don't even know where to begin from the last time I left off. A lot has happened in my life and a lot has changed. So let's see, I went to camp again and it was one of my favorite summers back. I had such a wonderful staff in my unit and my co-unit directors slayed this summer. 

I left camp with a boyfriend (GASP! What wait what happened to R? I'll get to that). Camp boyfriend was a long time friend that we decided to date, long story short not my smartest move but we are still friends because we were that close. Anyway we moved together down to Chicago to start adult-ing and it went well for a while and then things went down hill quickly. 

I had a big girl job but was starting to feel lonely, stressed, and get sick. I was not healthy physically or mentally so I made the hard decision to move back to Michigan with my dad. I'm back in the mitten state for a few months while I collect myself and get a better game plan to move down to Chicago. 

Dear lord, a lot has happened. The next couple posts I'll delve more into what happened, how I'm doing, and what my plans are. For now this blog will be a way for me to sort through my feelings and thoughts. It may not be very exciting but maybe this will help someone out there? Really this is more for me and if people want to read and support along the way that would make me so happy. There will be photos when I have them and maybe some other goodies.

So this post has a lot of loose ends hanging and I apologize but you will just have to wait for more posts to come to get the blanks filled in on how my life has progressed. 

Until next time darlings

XOXO

ZMH

Ooo Shiny!

So here's an honesty hour post.

You know I just don't want to do anything right now. Well that's wrong I do want to lay in bed, eat ice cream and ramen, and watch Netflix all night. What I really don't want to do right now is homework, specifically this paper I have yet to start and it is due tomorrow.

Now you are probably saying right now, "What are you doing right now Zoe! You should be writing your paper instead of blogging!"

This is true but this is honesty hour and I will now tell you WHY I don't want to do this paper.

I am a pretty fast paper writer. I don't like to work on papers ahead of time. I always wait till the night before and crank them out and I do awesome at them. This is one of those weird things that I'm really good at no matter how much time I'm given. Now not every paper is done like this but let's say about 95% of my papers are done the night before they are due, does not matter the page length or work count. This drives my friends nuts and my dad crazy (he is usually the one who edits my papers for me). 

This paper is one that I just don't want to write at all. The class this paper is due for sucks. I am not a fan of the teacher, his teaching style, or how he decides to throw things on us. I have only missed this class once and I have no idea what I have learned. He is so confusing and the textbooks we use are just as confusing. 

This paper makes no sense to me, is super open-ended, and he didn't really talk to much about it.

Yikes! 

Luckily I'm not the only one in this situation but let's hope that whatever I come up with works and he likes. I'm freaking out about this plus many other things. My life right now is one big huge ball of stress.

Have you ever felt this overwhelmed? Have you ever been in a situation like this in school? Any tips?

XOXO

ZMH 

Hi Universe, Want to be Friends?

Do you ever have those days where you wake up and just know that nothing will go quiet right that day? It feels like the universe just decided that day that it didn't want to be your friend. 

Yea well that was how today felt for me. I woke up just not feeling today. I just knew I wouldn't win today. It's not really a day full of big important things but there have just been a few wrenches thrown into my plans today and others lives as well apparently.

This morning instead of playing around on my computer until I had to go to class I went over to Starbucks. While there I realized I didn't print out my homework that was due during this first class. I cursed myself for forgetting, the item was pulled up on my laptop and everything. I quickly grabbed my coffee and sprinted out of Starbucks like it was on fire. I was able to race back to my apartment and print my homework on time, in fact I was still my usual 10 minutes early to class. Go me. 

Afterward I went to our campus' snack cafe to meet up with some sorority sisters for lunch like normal. I grabbed my salad and other snacks and was glad that I was able to the few road blocks that were put in my way. Little did I know more were to come.

Over half of the lettuce in my salad was bad, bummer. The yogurt and fruit cup I grabbed consisted mostly of fresh pineapple which I am allergic to which was upsetting as well. Overall lunch sucked. Us girls then chatted about how everyone was just struggling in general this week. We all made each other feel better with words of encouragement, I love my sisters. 

I then decided to not go to my next class of the day and take this time to relax and write this blog post. I think I made the right decision because I'm starting to feel a little better. Granted I have to go to work today but let's hope it's okay, it probably will be a low key day. I also may have a little girl bonding session with my boyfriend's little sister tonight. She just broke up with her long tern boyfriend and is pretty beat up about it. So I suggested we hang out with our good friends Ben and Jerry and pull out a good movie to watch.

Yay for eating our feelings and making fun of movies!

Well I hope all of your day/week is going better then mine. Let's hope this weekend holds something awesome to make up for this string of bad days.

XOXO 

ZMH